It’s Phoenix

(The mulch joke deserves a whole post sorry if it’s a little long lol)
Wanda: Okay, so there’s this gardener, right? So, the amazing thing about this gardener is that he always knows exactly how many bags of mulch he needs for a job, just by looking. Like, he gets it right every time. He’s the best. So, one day he looks at a yard he’s working on, and he’s like, “18 bags.” So he goes to the store, buys 18 bags of mulch and goes to work. And when he’s finished, the flower beds are amazing. Beautiful roses, beautiful lilies, beautiful orchid bushes. But there’s one problem. He still has one bag of mulch left. He can’t believe it. This has never happened before. Well, the extra bag of mulch drives him crazy. He’s the guy who always gets the right amount of mulch. He’s like, “Aah! Extra mulch, oh, no!” So, on the drive home, he throws the bag of mulch out the window over the side of the 101.
Wanda: So, there’s this couple who just started dating and things are going really well. One day, the girl finds a box of old love letters from her high school boyfriend. She reads them and, like, loves how silly they are. You know, the drama of young romance. So, on a whim, she sends the letters to her ex-boyfriend thinking he might find them funny too. Well, okay, that night, she tells her current boyfriend about it and he loses his shit. They get in a huge fight about it. He’s all, “Why would you send your ex the old love letters? He’s going to think you’re still in love with him!” And she’s just like, “Relax, Brandon!” So, now the night is ruined because Brandon is obsessed. He’s like, “That ex-boyfriend’s going to come back for you. He knows where you live!” So, after dinner, he drives her home.She lives in one of those big apartment buildings by the freeway. And he walks her to her door, but he forgets to lock the car and leaves the windows down. He kisses her good night, but things are kind of weird, you know? Then he gets back in his car and starts to drive away, but when he glances in his rear-view mirror, his blood turns cold. Guess what’s in the back seat.
BoJack: The ex-boyfriend?
Wanda: No! The bag of mulch!
S02E04: After The Party

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(via deadvagabond)

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harpersstupidmind:

draftdodgeraziraphale:
remember when percy jackson turned down becoming a god in favor of making the gods claim their children before they turn 13?? percy is camp half-blood’s union representative
Zeus: yeah we can give you literally anything you want
Percy: Really? Then pay your fucking child support

(via miodaisgay)

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creepsandcrawlers:

dragon-in-a-fez:
people are like “if you put crabs in a bucket they can’t escape because they keep pulling each other back in, this is called crab bucket mentality and describes why people don’t help each other” and never acknowledge that crabs do not naturally occur in buckets, a human with more power had to put them there
ALSO the crabs arent acting with any kind of malicious intent, theyre not thinking “oh no youre coming down with me” theyre thinking “pinch pinch pinch whats going on right now” its insane to extrapolate a moral point about humans from their behavior

(via foxintheleaves)

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